


Wisp

by skelebot



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Brainwashing, Gen, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, also gabriel isnt an asshole, ill add more as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:25:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8270762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skelebot/pseuds/skelebot
Summary: Jesse works through getting rid of attempted Talon reconditioning.





	1. Chapter 1

Jesse had seen maybe one or two cars in the thirty minutes they had been driving.

There was still an hour and a half to go, which wasn’t unbearably long, but long enough to make his fingers itch and his leg fidget in the common silence Reyes had built around them. Reyes wasn’t much one for talking in the first place, but with Jesse and the other people he was close to he had at least made conversation in private. The past two weeks had been strange ever since the failure of the last mission, and Jesse had just assumed it was stress eating away at him. He couldn’t blame Reyes for being lost in thought.

There was always a sense of grief and disappointment, agitation, at the loss of any objective they had set out to carry through, and he had felt more so guilty around Reyes, as if he had let him down in some way personally. As if he hadn’t been good enough to carry the entire team. As if he were a weight the team had to carry themselves for coming back for him in the first place.

He shouldn’t have to think that way, he could here logic reprimand him, but his mind refused to listen. It couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t hear anything. 

There was a buzzing in his ear and it started to ring into his brain, stretching to his eyesight and taking his whole body away with it. He felt numb, he couldn’t tell what he was holding. His fingers felt fake as he mindlessly kept staring forward at the road, drifting. Driving. Just driving. That’s what he was doing. Simple. Just focus. Focus.

He felt Reyes’ foot hit over his and onto the brake pedal, and his knuckles overbeared by Reyes’ hand turning the wheel sharply. 

When the impact landed into a nearby edge of trees, Jesse felt his head jerk forward in whiplash, and felt his brain buzz more than it had before, but hands held his face firmly within seconds, and he felt himself being forced to look at Reyes. Only then did he notice the muffled chants he had heard were shoutings of his name.

“Can you hear me? Talk to me.”

Jesse didn’t understand. He did, but he didn’t, and he couldn’t find the words to answer. He saw Reyes unbuckle himself from the car and the next thing he felt was the air rushing in as his car door was opened and Reyes forced him outside and onto the pavement, sitting with his back on the car.

“Look at me.” A few snaps of his fingers. “Tell me your name.”

“McCree….” He mumbled simply. This wasn’t hard. Why was he asking? It was just hard to answer. Hard to see. 

“Full name.”

“Jesse McCree.”

“Where are you right now?”

Oh.

That one was harder. He blinked, looking around.

“You’re in New Mexico. We’re driving back to the hotel.”

“Okay,” he answered quietly, looking down at his hands.

He felt them being firmly held after his chin was forced up and his eyes met Reyes again. “No. Keep looking at me. You’re fine. We’re both fine and you need to take a deep breath and realize what we’re doing and what just happened.”

He did as told, breathing deeply, his loose grip on Reyes’ hands becoming firmer as he felt the numbness leave him. He looked around again. They were both fine, but he didn’t understand what had happened. He was just driving. Things were normal, quiet- He turned to look at the car, which looked like it had seen the end of its life, and he grimaced. “Christ.”

“I called your name about a dozen times and you couldn’t hear me,” he said simply, his voice bereft of any anger. Jesse only wondered why he wasn’t yelling at him.

“I’m sorry I-” He frowned at the car again before looking back. “I don’t know what happened.”

“You were having a panic attack.” Reyes stood up and pulled Jesse with him.

Jesse shrugged. Now he was just embarrassed. Tired and embarrassed. He leaned against the car and folded his arms.

“Your suspension from missions is back into effect when we get back to base,” he said tiredly, almost as if he knew this would happen. Reyes was so experienced and predicting the outcomes of almost all situations possible. Is that why he let Jesse drive in the first place? Why the mission seemed simple and closely knit, personal where Reyes could keep an eye on him in the safety of a quick elimination and a drive back? The thought made Jesse’s stomach burn.

“There’s nothin’ wrong. I can go on missions just fine.” He knew his tone sounded childish, but he hid his eyes beneath his hat anyway, fidgeting his foot.

“Clearly.” He gestured to the car and furrowed his eyebrows. 

He turned quiet and dared to meet Reyes’ eyes, not with a challenging expression, but one in surrender.

“I’ll call for a ride back.”

\--

_‘If the captor is masking their face, they likely don’t plan to keep you. You are just a small piece in whatever goal they’re trying to pursue. Typically it’s intel or ransom. Hope that this is the case for you if you ever meet this situation. Start giving them what they want until your team comes to rescue you’_

__

__

“Repeat.”

“The enemies of talon will be eliminated-” he gasped desperately before a hand shoved his head back underwater.

‘If that’s not the case, if they’re allowing you to see their face then they’re probably going to kill you when they get what they want. If this happens, the will of your discretion is vital to keeping your life. Don’t give them what they want. When they get impatient, draw them in with small bits of information so they don’t kill you out of defeat, but never reveal what they really need to know.’

“Repeat.”

“The enemies of talon will be eliminated!” His body was trembling as he threw up the water his body has kept inside him.

‘In the most rare case, they might reveal their face if they’re planning to keep you around. Whether as a prisoner of war or a sleeper agent. The latter is almost never the reality.’

“The phase is complete. Restart the vial administration.”

Jesse shook his head weakly, trying to pry away his arm before the needle could pierce through his skin. He felt the natural urge of disobedience leave him as did any will he had to do anything. His blood felt thick and cold.

_‘But in any of these situations, remember that there will always be someone coming to get you. The key is not breaking until that happens. If I’m ever alive and you’re captured, hell would freeze over before I fail to come and get you, Jesse.’ Reyes’ tone went from instructional to one of remembrance and reflection. ‘Many men don’t hold out when they can’t tell how long they’ve been there. But you aren’t like them. You’re better than that. If you weren’t, I wouldn’t have let you join.’_

Jesse woke up soaked in sweat, lungs gasping for air that had been there the entire time. He sat up quickly and looked around, taking a moment before sighing and rubbing his face. He looked over at the clock and blinked lazily, not surprised that it was the middle of the night. In the heavy fog of the room, Jesse swung his feet over the bed and shoved them in his boots, noticing only briefly that he had fell asleep in his clothes again.

He threw his hat on his head and made way for the outside, lighting a cigar in the fresh air and taking a long drag. This was happening way too often. His face scrunched up as he thought of the moments he had wasted dwelling on what happened. Most of it he could barely remember anyway- whatever experimental drug they were using on him blocking out a lot of unneeded memories. They only ever revisited in his dreams, and they were always the same ones. Scarcely was there ever a variance. But it also made telling the difference between dreams and reality almost impossible.

He finished the cigar and stomped it out onto the ground, naturally finding himself dragging towards Reyes’ office. He was usually there late anyway. Jesse took a chance and wandered.

Sure enough he saw the light creek under the door and knocked, hearing Reyes call him in and shutting the door behind him when he entered. Reyes didn’t look up, and Jesse couldn’t tell if it was because he might’ve been the only one who ever visited this late, or if the spurs of his boots made his presence clear. He walked over to the desk and sat on the corner of it. Gabriel glanced up and sneered very slightly, but didn’t make Jesse move.

“Can’t sleep?” It was more of a clear statement as Reyes kept typing away on his computer, the letters drowning in a sea of pages. “Nightmares?”

Jesse nodded quietly, his brain feeling sluggish as he mindlessly played with a forgotten pen on the desk.

“Are you remembering anything new?” He finally met Jesse’s eyes then.

“Not really. Same old shit.” He let the pen fall on the desk, staring at his hands. 

“Angela’s still examining whatever it was they were pumping into you.” Reyes stopped typing, turning his chair to fully face Jesse. “She’s saying it mostly looks like it was affecting your blood flow and giving you forced hypothermia. Mixed with something else. It wasn’t in you long enough to make a true difference, though.”

Jesse kept staring at his hands, his hat slowly tipping down over his eyes. 

“We still don’t know how that would help turn you into a sleeper agent. Maybe they were just testing longshots and failed.” 

He messed with the hem at the bottom of his pants, eyes focused. “Can we talk about somethin’ else?”

Gabriel’s eyes widened slightly, realizing he had to reel himself out of the work oriented thought train. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

Jesse shrugged and fell back into silence, leaning heavily on the desk and staring out one of the windows.

“Shouldn’t drink while you’re still recovering but,” Reyes pulled out the small bottle he kept in his desk. A gesture built over time to signify that he and Jesse would go out to the roof and drink a bit, usually in comfortable silence. “I’ll make an exception if I’m keeping an eye on you.”

Jesse let out a grinned scoff, pushing himself off the desk and letting Gabriel lead the way to the rooftop above the building. 

The quiet of night was usually unsettling to Jesse lately, a foundation for vague thoughts and memories spinning in his head and making him ache, but Gabriel was a more firmly rooted foundation that grounded him. Kept him steady. He was a constant in his life that he could count on for the past five years. And Jesse appreciated that in a way that begged loyalty.

They sat in their usual spots, passing the bottle back and forth. Reyes seemed too tired to indulge in a heavy amount, but he at the very least kept up Jesse’s pace out of mutual necessity and comfort. It was a gesture Jesse had noticed, one of the quiet ways his commander showed his support.

At a comfortable buzz Jesse sighed, laying back and resting the back of his head in his hands. 

“I did remember something,” Jesse offered quietly, mindlessly counting the buildings surrounding them.

Gabriel looked over at him, attentive. 

“Bastard who kept drowning me was ugly as hell.” He bent his knees and tapped a foot on the ground, smiling to himself.

Reyes let out a quiet snort, looking back ahead. “I’m sure.”

“They didn’t wear masks. I mean some of them had some sort of face coverings, I guess.” He furrowed his brow, smile gone. “I don’t really remember what any of them look like enough to be able to describe ‘em.”

“You don’t have to,” Reyes offered simply. 

“I know.” He sat up to take another swig and stayed sitting, head rested on his knees. “But it’s hard not being able to remember a whole chunk of time like that. Especially given the situation.”

“I understand.” His responses were short and concise, stable and attentive. He figured it was what would aid the most at the time. Providing more ground, but staying open and attentive enough to offer an ear.

“Guess you would.” Jesse felt his fingers fidgeting again, the tapping of his foot becoming more repetitive. 

Reyes eyed him silently, observing.

“Ain’t the same as being a normal prisoner. That’s easy. You do your time, usually if you’re a captive they just want answers over something easily lied about. I’m good at that.”

“You are.”

Jesse’s breath unconsciously staggered. “Why is this so different? It’s like I’m the same but I’m not. Sometimes I’m completely apathetic, others I just feel…like they changed a big part of me that I don’t even know about yet. That I’m still not out. I’m still not free.”

“It is different. Everyone knows that and there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re still trying to figure out how to help you more. Brainwashing isn’t exactly something you bounce back from, even if they didn’t finish doing it.”

Jesse fumbled with the collar of his shirt, opening the top button and swallowing, hand stayed at his chest. “It’s hot up here.”

Gabriel moved the bottle away quietly and sat in front of Jesse, reaching for one of his hands. Jesse recoiled immediately, pinning it down with a steadfast grip. Gabriel had let him. Gabriel remained passive in his actions. Jesse tried to focus and look at him in the eye to get a standing but all he felt was the weight of his chest and the weakness forming in his hands.

“I have you,” Gabriel said quietly despite not moving to touch him. 

Jesse withdrew his grip and curled up, pushing his hat down so that the brim of it shut everything out of sight.

“I’m here.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nsfw content this chapter
> 
> also warning for light choking? for literally like... two seconds
> 
> sorry if its a bit choppy

“I still need the debriefing papers on the rescue mission,” Jack’s voice remained like static background noise on Gabriel’s communicator.

He let out an unheard sigh through his nose and kept tasking at his desk, the sounds of typing loud in an otherwise quiet room. “Yeah, I got it.”

“It’s been two weeks, Gabriel.” The sound of his name rustled him from his concentration, and the hint of concern in Jack’s voice irritated him in a place that he would never admit hurt. “I know a lot’s happening right now but you can cut the papers clean and short without getting so invested in the details.”

“There’s more to it than that.” Gabriel’s voice rose slightly as his typing stopped completely, staring at the communicator. “When Talon’s involved you know it’s not an open and shut case, especially not when they take one of our own. And there’s so much unanswered shit Jesse’s not ready to even tell me yet for me to even make a solid case into another investigation into what resources they’re using for what they’re planning to do.”

Jack was silent for a moment before his typical sigh rang clear and his voice was low. “We can open another file for that but I just need something for the rescue itself.”

“The rescue itself isn’t even finished,” he almost cut Jack off with the quickness of his retort. “You saw what they were using for mind control tactics wasn’t even something we had ever seen. I don’t even think Jesse’s all the way here. What if he’s faking right now and he’s waiting for the orders to start killing someone important and retreat back to them? What if they’re planning to take more of us? I can’t just pretend all this isn’t here just because we got Jesse back physically.”

“Your concerns are valid, but if you finish the debriefing we can launch another case for that, even if you feel there’s no concrete foundation to stand on it’s at least something.” He paused. “Is that why you’ve been delaying? Are you just doing the investigation now and letting it consume all your time?”

Gabriel’s brows furrowed. “Maybe I am. And who are you to decide what I should be doing right now? Jesse isn’t even full Overwatch. He’s your weird gray area for random missions and he’s Blackwatch’s priority. I’ll do what I think is best for my team.”

“Gabriel, I’m not-”

“You’ll get your papers. I have to go.” He clicked to end the call before Jack could even get another word in.

This wasn’t something he needed right now. Conversations with Jack these days only favored to sour his mood even more no matter what place or time. It was always about work, and they just left a bitter taste in his mouth to remind him that Jack was still technically his boss. And he sure as shit acted like it, Gabriel thought. During the moments of silence sometimes Jack took the opportunity to try and connect again, but what was left of whatever they had felt only like another wound to mend and Jack’s words were dry. He made his choice, and so Gabriel had already made his as well.

He rubbed calloused fingers over his eyes to stop him from going too deeply into that train of thought again and pulled up the debriefing documents on his screen. If he wanted cookie-cutter bullshit then he would get it. Gabriel wrote up a standard report, nothing but literals and by the book answers to the standard questions and sent it to Jack without another thought.

This was something he had to take care of himself anyway. Discretion was his standard of operation, not Jack’s, so he didn’t expect much help in the first place even if it did involve Talon.

The sound of his communicator buzzing loudly spiked the heat in his blood again as he picked it up quickly and his voice was loud. “I just sent them. I already said I was busy so don’t keep calling.”

“What?” A confused voice Gabriel soon recognized as Jesse’s.

“I thought you were Morrison. What do you need?”

“If you’re busy I can let you get back to it,” he offered simply. “You sounded mad as spit. More than usual.”

“Since when do you ever think about not bothering me no matter what kind of mood I’m in?” He leaned back in his chair and let out a huff of air.

“Touche.” He could hear Jesse fidgeting with something on the other end. “I was just wonderin’, since I know I can’t go on regular missions, if there’s literally anything I can do? Something small? I’m losing my mind here sitting around with nothing but time.”

“Read a book,” he said blandly.

“You think you’re being funny but I already did that.” His voice was covered in disappointment. “Did a lot of shit I don’t normally do all to kill time because you won’t give me the okay to get back to work.”

“You’re not getting off your leave of absence right now. Period. I don’t make those decisions just to fuck around with you, it’s for your own good.” He moved his mouse so his screen wouldn’t flicker off. “If you’re stir crazy I can find you something to do, but no missions. Not even the mediocre shit.”

Jesse groaned dramatically. “Killing me here.”

“You’ll live.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I’ll meet you in an hour and I’m sure I can figure something out.” Gabriel hung up on him and cracked his neck before typing again.

\--  
An hour felt like eternity right now. Jesse sighed and let his communicator fall back onto his bed before dragging his feet to the bathroom.

He hated feeling as though he had to be coddled and babysat throughout this whole thing. Reyes had essentially condemned him to a jail just for losing focus once. Sure plenty of things still felt weird, but Jesse all in all had felt normal. By which he had experienced going through daily tasks normally and could function as a human being on his own. He wouldn’t acknowledge all of the medications they had him on that were helping him focus and allowing him more nights of sleep, however. Plenty of people did that. He was just like the rest. He wasn’t any different in that aspect.

He kept repeating the convincing phrases in his head as he stared at himself in the mirror.

Somehow it didn’t look like him. Somehow it was the face he’s always known yet a complete stranger in his skin looking back at him with an uneasy blankest of stares, the hollowed out bags of his eyes piercing through the light like stains. He ran the tap and filled a glass of water before sitting back down on his bed and curling his knees up, leaving the glass on its own abandoned at the bedside.

He felt like he was waiting. Not predictably because Reyes had told him to just recently, but because it was a feeling that constantly lingered within him ever since he had gotten back. He felt like he had to prepare constantly for some grand scheme in the smallest of tasks. He had to be reminded to shower, to take his medications, to eat, to sleep. He felt vague and useless and reliant on the texts Gabriel had sent him to remind him just to function as an adult. He felt programmed to listen to those higher above him and he felt weakened by it. The more he tried to regain his rebellious soul, the more he felt the will to disobey anything leave him like a parasite.

Jesse keyed in the code to his tablet and played mindless puzzle games just to stop his hands from fidgeting so much on their own.

About half an hour later Jesse heard the lock to his door disassemble as Gabriel ran his key card through and entered casually. He perked up slightly and stared at Reyes until he looked back at him and sighed, sitting on the bed.

“Have you been sitting in here all day?” Reyes asked with a gruff voice as he took the tablet away and plugged it back into the charging port.

“What else were you expecting? I’ve already trained through every course outside over and over again and damn near could write a detailed essay on every paint chip in each building here.”

“Careful, I could hold you to that.” Reyes grinned a bit and kicked off his shoes.

“Knock on wood.” Jesse faked tapping with his knuckles and leaned back against the headboard, shoulders slightly slumped. “So what are we doing? I’m not really in the mood to go on a ten year bike ride with you again if that’s what you were hintin’ at.”

Reyes remained quiet and climbed in to sit next to Jesse, pressing his lips against his without another thought.

Jesse was still for a moment but soon melted into the sensation, eyes half lidded when Reyes pulled away. “Oh.”

“If you want to,” Reyes questioned simply, looking him in the eye and resting a hand on his lap.

“Yeah-” he said quickly. “Yeah. I hadn’t even been thinkin’ about that lately.”

“We could both use the stress relief,” he added lowly, starting to peel of his clothes. Jesse mirrored the movements and went to discard his own.

\---

“Doing okay?” Gabriel’s breath was coarse yet soft both at once.

Jesse nodded, but it felt like instinct rather than genuine thought. He closed his eyes for a bit just to feel more of the urge against his skin, a filling feeling within himself, the warmth of Reyes over him about to swallow him whole. He opened his eyes only slightly after a few moments, sight still blurred as he tried to focus on the pair of eyes in front of him. Gabriel’s eyebrows were knitted forward per usual, his jaw clenched but his actions and tone of voice suggesting he felt no discomfort. Jesse reveled in the pleasure Gabriel seemed to feel and leaned up slightly to suck at his bottom lip, moaning quietly. The warmth felt so nice and real against his cold skin, he needed more of it.

Following directions felt like second nature now. Even though Jesse was a rebel at heart, whatever had happened to him with Talon had made his loyal part manifest into an instinctive need. He needed to please Gabriel. Do what he wished. Carry out orders. Even if Gabriel gave none whatsoever. He showered him in nothing but comfort and ease back into freedom, and Jesse reacted with nothing but obsessive loyalty and lack of personal will. He hated it, but he could feel no hate. He was upset, but couldn’t feel the pain associated with it. His skin always felt cold.

Gabriel noticed Jesse’s distraction and pulled out slowly, thumb resting over his cheek.

“I’m fine. Keep going,” Jesse urged his hips forward to prove his point and Gabriel complied, sliding back in and going a bit faster this time. Jesse squirmed slightly until he finally felt the sensation of his prostate and grunted, fingernails digging tiny pivots into the skin of Gabriel’s shoulders. He gasped silently as the thrusts came unrelenting and Gabriel kissed him deeply to ground him again.

“I’m close,” Gabriel huffed out, chest to chest with Jesse from how close they had molded their bodies together. He lowered down to suck at his neck while thrusting more deeply and erratically, sweat beading over his skin. Jesse kept thrusting upward, encouraging the end result, and ran his hand frantically over the warmth of Gabriel’s back in search of his own climax.

Gabriel was first, his movements referring to a similar pattern Jesse had learned to personally recognize as he came inside of him, holding place until the large warmth was filling inside of Jesse. Jesse had a harder time, though. Usually it was pretty reverse, but it came as an unsurprising event as Gabriel pulled out gently and tried coaxing three fingers in and working a gesture that hit his prostate again without over-stimulating himself. Jesse grabbed Gabriel’s other hand and shoved it against his own throat. “Choke me.”

His eyes widened a bit as his hand was still. “Are you sure?”

“Please,” Jesse ground out through clenched teeth, cock hard and yearning for a final release. This should push him to the edge, he thought. He needed that hand specifically around his throat to ever hope of reaching his climax.

His grip was hesitant, but Gabriel complied and squeezed just enough to limit his air. Jesse’s face was flush as a gurgled hum surfaced from the back of his throat. Gabriel moved his fingers more quickly and could feel Jesse’s legs dig into the sheets as his eyes started to glaze. Before Gabriel could ease his hand, Jesse started stroking himself sloppily with the edges of his vision blurred and reached his release as he bucked his hips eagerly to ride out the finish.

Gabriel let go when it seemed like he was done and cupped his hands around Jesse’s cheeks to force him to look at him. “You feeling okay?”

Jesse hummed and closed his eyes but felt Reyes nudge him out of his attempt to sleep.

“I need a direct answer.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” He pulled himself close to Reyes and buried his head. “Thanks.”

Reyes went to go get a rag to clean up before sliding back into bed and letting Jesse fall asleep to the rhythm of his hand tracing large circles on the skin of his back.

\---

Gabriel woke with the feeling of Jesse straddling him and holding his gun between his eyes. Jesse’s expression was blank and Gabriel made no sudden movements.

“Jesse?” he tried, not fully expecting an answer. Nor did he certainly expect Jesse’s hand to start shaking.

He was still silent, but the hesitation in his actions granted Gabriel some relief.

“Go ahead. Show me what you’re going to do,” he said simply, staring at Jesse.

Despite the trembling in his fingers, his face remained passive as he pulled the trigger, a small ‘click’ feeling like an echo in the fog of a silent room. There was a moment of eye contact and puzzle pieces fitting into place, a moment of a constant shifting of sudden emotions- surprise, anger, sadness, relief, all swirling like a cesspool in Gabriel’s chest as he tried to study Jesse’s face and waited for the next move.

He readied himself for any hand-to hand combat, and also planned a response in case Jesse decided to find an impromptu weapon or melee him with the gun itself. He observed the weight Jesse had on him and tested the leverage he had should he had to make the first move and throw Jesse over to gain the height advantage, but his racing thoughts slowed to a sudden halt when he realized how long it had been. Jesse still hadn’t moved. The trembling had stopped after he pulled the trigger, and then he hadn’t changed his position or even batted an eye since.

He would have to be the first to engage. He tried his name again fruitlessly and moved on to grabbing his wrist and taking the revolver out of his hand, placing it to the side. He shifted his weight to slide from underneath Jesse and sat up, bracing a hand on his shoulder in attempt to nudge him into movement. Was he being controlled right now? They had already checked for any bits of new tech they might have forced into his body and found none, so it was unlikely.

Gabriel found his answer when Jesse’s eyes widened after he finally blinked. He looked around the room, looked at the discarded revolver then back at Gabriel as his expression twisted into one of fear.

“I shot you.”

“I already emptied the bullets when you were asleep. There was no way you could have killed me just then.” He certainly wouldn’t have been able to beat him in a physical fight, Talon rewiring or not. “It’s okay. You’re alright.”

“I was going to kill you.” He stared at the gun. “Holy shit, Reyes, I was going to fucking kill you-”

“But you didn’t. I took my measures. You know I’m careful.” He made Jesse look back at him. “And now I at least know we’re getting somewhere.”

“How can you be so calm about it?!” he asked loudly with anger and fear dripping from his voice. “I was going to kill you and I could try it again when you’re not ready for it and murder you! What if I do? What if I do and I don’t realize until it’s too late?”

“You’re overextending. You need to focus on and now, and right now we’re fine and I have something to work with.”

“You-” He paused and looked down before looking back up at Reyes, breath quickened. “Did you sleep with me just to find out what I would do?”

Gabriel’s demeanor melted as his eyes widened. “What? No, this was something I wanted to do. Just because I took precautions doesn’t mean I knew something would happen.”

“You’re awful calm about all this.”

“Someone has to be,” he retorted angrily.

“Fortunate.” He ripped off the covers that were in his way and moved to put his clothes on. “I guess taking me on that mission was a coincidence too. Not another planned schemin’ by you like you usually do.”

“That’s entirely different and you know it.” He sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes, then to his temples.

“I’m tired of you controlling everything and treating me like a damn child. I got captured. So what? Lots of people here do. And you don’t go babysitting them and doin’ all these tests and makin’ them look like fools.” His accent rang more clear through his anger.

“I’m not trying to coddle you or make you look like a fool and you know it. Now sit back down and we can talk like two adults since you want to be so damn adamant about being one.”

Jesse’s face twisted in anger as he shoved the rest of his clothes on and headed for the door. “I need some air.”

Gabriel sighed when the door slammed shut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh so i realize i havent updated this in like over a year. this was the first thing id written in literally years and i felt like it was always not very good whenever i read back on it and tried to think of how to update it so there was discouragement there
> 
> but yeah now theres updated lore and im trying to write more so i thought id try to come back to this. sorry if the chapter is short and/or weird. this is kind of a transitional chapter to help me figure out what i might lead to with the story. ill try to work on it more and update more frequently than annually

_“You’re pulling the trigger way too early after revealing your position. What did I tell you about timing the aim instead of the reaction?”_

_“I’m trying!”_

_“Try harder. These won’t always be bots, McCree.”_

_Jesse let out a growled huff of air as he reloaded and retook his initial position, crouched behind staged dubris. He closed his eyes and steadied his breathing, trying to pretend the last three times didn’t happen. Albeit a wasted attempt, but Jesse tried nonetheless. Reyes’ past few statements were beginning to sound more like nagging than actual direction to his impatient ears after doing this for a good portion of the day._

_He had to admit the fatigue was starting to set in despite other trainees typically being able to keep up the pace with the routine course exercises, but McCree blamed it on the fact that this was an extra session for him that the others didn’t have to do on their days off. Was thinking this way only to make himself feel better? Maybe. He didn’t care either way. Just wanted to crawl back into bed and lay there for a few years._

_The sound of a bullet startled him out of his thoughts and he ducked further, holding his left ear as the ringing dazed him._

_“Focus!” Reyes’ voice spoke loudly over the intercom. Jesse didn’t have to look up at the glass window to know that he was probably getting irritated with him, but damn if the feelings weren’t mutual._

_“I’m done,” Jesse called out bluntly, sliding his gun to the other side of the room to get Reyes to stop the simulation. “I’m fuckin’ tired, boss. And I just keep getting worse and worse because of it. Can’t we try this again later?”_

_When Jesse finally did look up at the pane, he could see an expression he couldn’t quite comprehend, but it radiated a sternness, perhaps anger that Jesse could feel in his bones. He was silent for what seemed like eternity before finally saying. “Go get the gun, McCree.”_

_His eyes widened as he stared at him. “Are you serious?”_

_“The simulation is over when I tell you it’s over.”_

_“There’s literally five bots and I barely have any cover,” he spoke more quickly, “you can’t expect me not to get shot tryin’.”_

_“You should have considered that before you tossed your gun away.” He folded his arms, gaze unrelenting._

_“Gabriel-”_

_“Get it.”_

_Jesse sat frozen for a long time before he finally broke eye contact in favor of staring straight ahead. The shots seemed to escalate and echo louder and louder behind him as he felt the tremble in his fingers start to pick up. There literally wasn’t any possible way to retrieve his gun without getting hurt, he thought. And Reyes simply had the power to just turn everything off._

_He didn’t understand. Did he want him to get shot? Was that the punishment just for wanting to postpone a training exercise? That seemed so grandiose as some cruel punishment any sane person would see was undeserved and didn’t fit the offense. Surely Gabriel wasn’t being serious._

_Jesse doubted himself, body stiff and unwilling to move even and inch. The stiffness turned into small tremors that had spread from is hands to his entire body. It could have been a few seconds, few minutes, until he heard the bots cease fire and power down. His body was still shaking, decreasing into mild twitching before he dared to look up to see Gabriel walking away._

_He hesitantly poked his head from the cover to confirm the bots were off, then slowly stood. Paranoia already more than set in, Jesse ran over to his gun and held it at the bots- just in case. He maintained visual until he was out of the room and only put down the gun when the doors automatically shut behind him._

_Gabriel could be seen stepping off the last of the stairs while he headed for the exit and Jesse wasted no time in quickly following after him and pulling at his shoulder to stop him. “What is wrong with you?”_

_Jesse’s anger was only met with what seemed like a passive expression. “You clearly weren’t going to listen to me, so I stopped the exercise.”_

_“No, you know what I mean. Why the hell would you do that in the first place?” His voice rose.  
“Did you suddenly get a craving to teach me obedience by getting me shot?”_

_There was deep silence for a moment. “No.”_

_Jesse’s anger turned into more confusion as his face clearly twisted. Words felt lost to him and it felt as though a gear was getting stuck in his head that only Gabriel providing some sort of logic could get to move. He was about to attempt to speak again before Gabriel finally started first._

_“Yesterday was… rough.” The creases in his eyes seemed more prominent, and now that Jesse was close enough he could notice that Gabriel probably hadn’t slept after observing the dark circles._

_“I don’t understand,” his tone slowly lost edge as it declined back into normalcy._

_“I wasn’t trying to punish you, I just-” He made eye contact and then there was an expression Jesse couldn’t quite fathom again. “I’m angry. Not at you, just upset. And I’m… concerned- No, I’ll be honest I’m downright terrified.”_

_“Of what?” He could feel his chest tightening slightly._

_“That I’m not doing enough to ensure you’d be alright on your own.” He rubbed at is eyes, sighing briefly through his nose. “I know it’s been three years, but that’s nothing in comparison to the rest of us and there's still so much you don’t know. And anything that would happen would just feel like my fault, even if logically it might not have been.”_

_Jesse wanted to interrupt, but Gabriel spoke quickly._

_“A lot of us died yesterday, Jesse. All experienced soldiers and operatives I’ve worked with for years. And to know- I mean it’s the reality I’ve known and faced for such a long time, but it literally never gets any easier. And you’re so inexperienced, so young in comparison- I can’t imagine it would feel like anything but entirely my fault if you were in a situation that severely hurt you or even killed you.”_

_“I can handle it.”_

_“I’d like to believe that.” There was a discerning thickness in his words._

_“So you don’t trust me?”_

_“That’s not the point.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Sometimes things are out of our control.”_

_“Well then you said it yourself.” Jesse crossed his arms. “Out of our control. If something happens, it happens, and we deal with it when it does. The best we can.”_

_Gabriel stared at him for a moment and some of the tense demeanor faltered. “I might be rubbing off on you too much.”_

_“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” The corners of his mouth lifted slightly._

_“You sound too much like me sometimes.” The air remained bereft of any usual lighthearted feelings despite Jesse’s subtle attempts to inkle the situation back into normal banter. “I suppose that’s what worries me a lot.”_

_“Don’t see nothing wrong with it.” He looked down, shoulders slightly slumped._

_“Not yet.”_

_Jesse wanted to look at him, meet him at the eyes and object, but something held him from it. Instead he lightly kicked at the ground, unable to chase as Gabriel made way elsewhere._

\--

His mouth only tasted of ash and dry air as he smothered his sixth cigarette against the pavement, rushedly swiped from his backup stash whenever he forgot or ran out of his cigars. The pack was dented and flattened from being shoved in his pocket for so long without use, cracks in the paper losing tobacco in the corners and ends of some of the sticks. His hands moved on autopilot as he lit each one- light, inhale, exhale, and keep going until the final crush of the stick was trampled beneath his boot. 

There was an abrupt moment of pause as he held the seventh and stared at it. Suddenly the dryness in his throat became more apparent and grew into a strange, yet dull pain he couldn't ignore. He let the unlit cigarette fall to the pavement of the courtyard and stepped on it without further hesitation.

Emptiness again, he thought, but then the anger resurfaced. Or rather, frustration. He threw the lighter then too, letting it make a cracking noise and not bother to check if it had been damaged. The sensation almost felt as though he was mimicking anger, as if the physical actions would bring about some sort of miracle of making him feel normal again.

Even without hearing the footsteps approaching at first, he could sense that Gabriel was nearby and following a beelining path towards him. Despite the discretely militarized pattern of walking he was used to noticing, it seemed Gabriel went out of his way to step more lightly instead of only secretly. He felt as if he should’ve appreciated the gesture, but it only festered more irritated confusion. 

“I’m sorry.” It was said abruptly, as soon as Gabriel was far enough in earshot to speak. “Even if it means nothing to you right now, I’m sorry.”

Jesse’s eyebrows furrowed deeper as he stared ahead and clutched the fabric of his pants.

“I know it’s hard to believe me right now, but none of that was some intentional plan. It was purely precaution. You’re still not cleared for complete adaptation. I only did what I thought was best for figuring everything out and giving us more stability at the same time, but know that I never walked in there with the intention of deceiving you.”

“And why do you think you apologizing wouldn’t mean anything to me?” He wanted to sound angry, to vent his frustration through tone, but it simply came out passively. 

“You know why.”

He looked down, knuckles more relaxed, but jaw still clenched all the same. Tiredness washed over him again.

“I shouldn’t have handled this the way I did. Should’ve been more patient and careful with everything”. His voice did seem to resonate such specific disappointment, and this time Jesse could at least recognize it wasn't towards him. “And not just in the way I think things are best from my perspective. I have to realize it’s not the same right now.”

He moved a bit closer, still standing and not tempting himself to sit next to Jesse yet. “But we did at least try something, and it didn’t turn out alright and that’s okay. I’d rather figure that out now than later.”

Jesse could physically feel the bags under his eyes almost weighing him down, his limbs retreating from stiffness and feeling more like baggage. “I don’t want you to be careful.”

“You know I have to, even if you don’t want it.”

His voice drew out much quieter. “I know you’re trying to help, trying to be blunt and all, but I’m just…”

Gabriel took the opportunity to sit next to him, silent again.

“Tired. Real tired.”

“In what way?” He stared at him intently.

Jesse shrugged, wavering slightly.

“You’re pale,” he mentioned softly, holding back the urge to admit he looked almost downright dead. Lightly blue-ish in hue.

“I’m fine.”

“Lay down.”

A distant jolt sparked in is body that beckoned him to follow the command and he laid with his back against the cold pavement. At least, what he assumed to be at a chilled temperature. At this point his body couldn’t feel it, he thought. It just seemed as though it should have been for this time of night. That’s what used to be normal. That was normal.

It took him several minutes to notice Gabriel was looking above him, and several moments after that to notice his fingers were prodding at his eyelids to examine them, along with his face to check his skin. “You’re seeing Angela again tomorrow.”

He couldn’t find the will to disagree and simply stared at him through a dull gaze. There was nothing but pliability when Gabriel helped him back to his room.


End file.
